In the first semester of pregnancy ten to twenty percent of the women experience a miscarriage. Unfortunately it’s unknown how to cope with this loss. Meghan Markle, Britains Duchess of Sussex revealed that she suffered a miscarriage during the summer and opened up about her and Price Harry’s unbearable grief.
‘In the pain of our loss, my husband and I discovered that in a room of 100 women, 10 to 20 of them will have suffered a miscarriage. Yet despite the staggering commonality of this pain, the conversation remains taboo, riddled with (unwarranted) shame and perpetuating a cycle of solitary mourning’. said Meghan Markle as quoted in the New York Times.
There is hope…there is help even in the face of miscarriage.
When I miscarried, my doctor said – the only true remedy to recover from miscarriage is to get pregnant again. I am sure every woman feels that way. But how likely is it to be pregnant right away?
I am a blessed mother of five, but I miscarried 3 times. Each time I wondered; how do I do this? I had no roadmap. I had no tools. But there were lots of tears and hormones surging through my body.
After working for 23 years as a fertility coach I know how hurtful it can be when people say, “Well, just keep trying,” and “Don’t worry, everything will work out.” This is nonsense.
The women who come to me are absolutely devastated, and they usually don't know where to go. It can be the first miscarriage, but it can also be the fifth miscarriage. It doesn’t matter. I have encountered women who have been grieving a miscarriage for three years or longer. They don’t know how to let go and move on. But there is a path, and there is hope, no matter how long you have been suffering.
I have helped hundreds of women move through many states of frozen grief and fear to the joy of motherhood. You are not alone. Take my hand and walk through these strategies with me.
Here are 4 strategies that can help you move through your grief and open you up to conception again. In this article I am addressing grief, forgiveness, self-care and mindset. But how do you grieve? How do you forgive? What kind of self-care do you need? And what kind of mindset leads to conception after a miscarriage? How do you move on?
Step 1: Take Time to Grieve
You have to allow yourself to feel what you feel and take your time. You cannot skip the grieving.
Why Is It Important to Take Time to Grieve?
When your body grieves, it is in contraction energy. This is not the energy of openness, allowance, conception. Grieving is normal and a natural response to loss, but when the time is right, you move on.
And for everybody it takes a different amount of time to grieve.
Amy came to me after her miscarriage. She struggled for 10 years and had experienced a failed IVF a few months before I began working with her. Her two little baby girls did not stay. Initially she was so caught up in her grief, that she didn't even realize it. Her body was also in grief. When your body is in grief, the innate wisdom of the body will not allow you to conceive.
I shared with her a grief ritual to help her move on.
Go outside if you have a fire pit, or just light a candle. Make a little fire and create a sacred space. Bring two balloons with you. They represent your babies. Sit by the fire and write a letter to your babies. Tell your babies everything about your hopes, your dreams, and about yourself. Say whatever comes to you in the letter. Release the letter to the fire. If it’s just a candle, burn your letter in the sink. Then drown it with water. And then let the balloons go and bless them. For Amy the ritual was liberating and together with the other 3 strategies she got pregnant 3 months later.
Step 2: Forgive Yourself and Others
Forgiveness is for your own growth and happiness. When we hold on to hurt, pain, resentment, anger, it harms us far more than others.
Why Is It Important to Forgive?
Forgiveness frees us to live in the present, and in the present is our power. When we live in the present our body lives in the present moment and we don't have to bring up the past. Because if you bring up the past you put your miscarriage on top of your present and drag it into your future. Your body keeps vibrating on the level of the past.
Often, when I see a client, they’re angry at their body because they feel abandoned. They can be angry at their husband, because it feels that he only has the pleasure part of the journey and he doesn't understand the depth of how you feel. They can be angry at their friends who have babies. They are angry at themselves because they feel something's wrong with them. They can be angry because they let down their parents-in-law, or their own parents. They can be angry at the baby's soul that's not staying in. They can be angry at their womb. There are many paths where their anger can go. Here are some small steps to forgive.
5 Steps to Forgiveness
- Who are you forgiving? Make a list of everyone and everything you want to forgive. You have to acknowledge your pain and resentment before you can move on.
- Write down how the person or the event made you feel, acknowledge the feeling.
- Now burn your list, and then dissolve it in water.
- Have a good cry session. Crying is a part of taking care of your emotions. But what if you can't cry? Put on some dramatic music. Think a lot of sad thoughts and cry as loud as you can. Crying helps because it massages the belly muscle and it frees up the emotion.
- Give yourself a little gift. You have taken a huge step. And you’re ready for Self-Care, which is the healing and opening up to love again.
Step 3: Take time for Self-care
What happens to women who have miscarried? They have a tendency not to care about themselves for a while. For example, they stay in their pajamas, they don't want to see anyone, they don't want to socialize, they don't want to take care of their bodies. They disconnect from their partners.
Why is self-care so important for full recovery?
You don't embody your fertile energy when you are very sad and when you are in “neglect” energy. You're not in embodiment of fertile energy when you don't take care of yourself. And, If you don't take care of yourself then you can't take care of the baby who wants to live inside you.
Hibernation is okay for a little while, but then again, you have to move on. And you can take it step by step, but self-care is the bridge. Self-care takes you from, “I'm in my pajamas, I don't want to see anybody, I hate the world,” to, “I'm so confident, I feel fabulous, I know I have fertile energy.”
5 Self-Care Steps to Recover from Miscarriage
Should you start self-care when you don’t want to? Definitely. You start even if you don't feel like it.
- Get out of your pajamas. You can stay for a little while in your pajamas, but you will feel better when you dress up again.
- Buy something new. It doesn't have to be something big. A new shawl, or earrings. Or buy yourself a present. What gift would make you smile, just a little? It might be a beach novel. It might be a fuzzy blanket for yourself. When I worked with Melinda, after she miscarried, she bought a beautiful cashmere vest. She spoiled herself with it. It made her feel cozy.
- Let go for a little bit of all the regimes of perfection. Sleep in, skip yoga. Allow yourself more time for yourself. No more I have to’s.
- Start to “guilty pleasure” yourself. Make sure you eat wholesome foods. Do the 80/20 rule. Be 80% good, but then 20 is guilty pleasure. Go out for a drink or stay up late…. You get the drift…
- You don't have to be social if you don't want to. Unless it’s good for you to be social. Just pick and choose your friends who you feel comfortable with.
Start to come back to life, and your body is listening. When you are in grief your body doesn’t conceive. And this is the road back.
Step 4: Change the Way You Think
We have 60,000 thoughts a day, and 80% of our thoughts are negative. Your mind is not your best cheerleader. Because your mind can drive you absolutely crazy with hopeless thoughts.
Why is mindset so important?
Every thought has a chemical reaction in your body — you want to be aware of that.
In my 4 month Get Pregnant Now Program, I teach you about how to shift your mindset into pregnancy mode. Your thoughts create your beliefs. Your emotional body is seamlessly connected to your physical body.
Strategies to Change your Mindset:
You have to turn around your thoughts in order to bring your body in a better state.
- If you think, “I will miscarry again,” remember, you are in the process of getting pregnant again. That's where you are.
- I say to my clients there are just two states of mind for you. You either are thinking that you are in the process of getting pregnant again, or you are pregnant. These are your two choices unless you decide you want to stop the fertility journey.
- If you think “I am too old,” can change it to, “I am the perfect
age to conceive.”
Barbara came to me for help after she had suffered two miscarriages. She was 43 and feeling hopeless. She told me her doctor advised her to do IVF, but her heart wasn't in it. She didn't see it work. She didn't believe that she would be able to conceive ever after her miscarriages.
Her mindset was completely negative. She felt defeated. When we started to work together, she slowly reprogrammed her mind, and saw new possibilities for herself. She opened up to the belief that she deserved to have her baby. She got pregnant 4 months later.
There is hope. No matter where you are, no matter how hopeless you are, no matter what you've gone through, there is hope.
Keep your baby dream alive even if you have had nine miscarriages, like one of my clients. But make sure it's not a physical issue.
I have seen many miracles. When you are able to grieve, forgive, practice self-care, and change your mindset, you are on the way. You are in the process of getting pregnant again.
I believe that every woman who longs to be a mother deserves to hold her baby in her arms.
I'm sending you sweet baby whispers and if you want my help and find out the #Number 1 reason of what is blocking you from getting pregnant?
Sending you Sweet Baby Whispers